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Sunday, November 20, 2011

Hallelujah

 (Push play for background music to this post)

Every time I put on Pandora on my ipod, it seems to find its way to Rufus Wainwright, regardless of what station I put it on.  I had never heard of him until a special woman came into my life a few years ago.  That person and I no longer speak, but it's weird how a song can bring them right back into my mind and heart.  What is she up to now?  Is she happy? 

It's been a bit of a journey moving on from this friendship, and the hurt that was in my heart when it ended.  I lost several friendships at the same time, but she is the one that still haunts me.  We were close in many ways (at least I thought so), and I felt like I really knew her.  She had so many pieces of her heart shattered at different points in her life, some irreparably.  I think a sadness took the place of those pieces that were broken, but also strength.  Words can't describe the beauty that exists in that soul of hers.  It's just a shame that she doesn't see it like I did.

I opened my own soul up to her in ways that I find difficult to do with pretty much anyone. I think I probably revealed myself to her more than I've revealed myself to anyone in a very, very long time.  It's in the vulnerability I felt with her that I think I had such a hard time recovering from the loss of her in my life.  But there is beauty in that, isn't there?  To find another spirit so strong and empowering that you trust yourself to be weak in their presence?  I don't do that often, but with her, I could.  I now find gratitude filling my heart where she was.  Because of her, I know I can trust that deeply. What a beautiful gift she has given me.

Today, I send hugs to her, wherever she may be.  Love, should you ever stumble upon this, I hope you realize that I think you are an amazing, strong, and beautiful woman.  I think of you often, and I wish you well.  In some parallel universe, people like you and me are better at friendship and at trusting freely without needing to push those we trust away.  Perhaps one day we'll get better at stuff like this.