The surrogacy world is a small one. Many of us know each other through the various online message boards and support groups. We're kind of like the gigantic dysfunctional family getting together at reunions, only the reunions are the message boards.
When I say "dysfunctional", I don't mean we're bad people or there is anything wrong with any of us. I say "dysfunctional" as in.... We can get into brawls, with mud-slinging, hair-pulling, and name-calling, where if you saw us from a distance you would say, "What the hell is wrong with those bitches?" But in the sisterhood of surrogacy, the rule of family applies: family can say all they want about family, but if you aren't in the family, you're going to get an ass kicking if you say something about the family. We're tight-knit that way, no matter how much our personalities may clash, and we'll take care of each other in our deepest need, regardless of past squabbles. It's just the way it is. It's an unspoken code. It's truly amazing.
Only twice have I seen this sisterhood threatened from the inside.
The first time was a couple of years ago. A woman was a surrogate for a couple. The group of them decided to skip very important steps in the surrogacy process. On top of that, they proceeded through the court system as an adoption, not a surrogacy, giving the surrogate a birth mother's rights to the twins she was carrying. Right after the pregnancy ended, the surrogate discovered details about her intended mother's mental health status that made the surrogate reconsider proceeding with the intended parents adopting the twins. The surrogate took the twins after they'd been with their intended parents for something like a week.
This scenario challenged us. It challenged us to think beyond our normal comfort level with surrogate arrangements and what we would all do if we were in that situation. It created a dialog in which we debated against each other how far we would go to honor the agreements we sign, versus how far we would go to protect the children we carry. It was an ethical dilemma on both a moral and legal level and it tore the community into two very distinct sides that battled strongly their points of view. Even now, if it might come up, it might not end up in a pleasant conversation. After all, what would you do? Would you honor your contract? Or potentially place a baby in harm's way?
Now for the second time we are presented with a challenging debate that seems to be clearly drawing lines in the sand. The situation is this: Two very, very well-respected lawyers in the surrogacy world have plead guilty along side another woman for their involvement in a baby-selling scheme. The lawyers: Theresa Erickson and Hilary Neiman. This one strikes closely to home for me as Hilary was my own lawyer, not just in surrogacy, but also in business. She drafted contracts for me pro-bono under the promise I would send her clients.....which I did enthusiastically. I trusted her deeply and enjoyed knowing her immensely.
The scheme started with a woman named Carla recruiting a handful of "surrogates" every so often. She would send them to the Ukraine to get them pregnant. After embryo transfer, the surrogates would be sent home. At 12 weeks, the "surrogates" would be given the opportunity to choose Intended Parents (IPs). The "surrogates" would receive $38-45,000 for their efforts after birth.
Sidebar: I put "surrogates" in quotation marks because if you follow the legal definition of surrogate, a surrogate enters into an arrangement with intended parents BEFORE an embryo is implanted into the surrogate. Finding parents for the babies after conception legally is called adoption. It is against the law to receive compensation for adoption.
Up until yesterday, this was really all that I knew of this. When I first heard about this a couple of years ago, and heard that Hilary may be involved, I asked her about it. She described it in detail, and assured me that it was, in fact, COMPLETELY LEGAL. I trusted Hilary. She was my lawyer. She was amazing. So who was I to judge these surrogates who were completely okay with this? Seems unorthodox, but I'm not a judge.
It came up again a year ago when I heard from a "surrogate" whose friend was trapped in one of these schemes and very pregnant as a result with no intended parents. I again turned to Hilary and asked what in the world was going on. Hilary let me know that this "surrogate" had mental issues that were likely going to lead her into legal trouble because she had dropped off the face of the earth, leaving IPs stranded. The thing is, Hilary was no stranger to sharing this kind of stuff with me, not minding sharing more info than she probably should, and I thought we just shared that kind of relationship. I told her about my stuff, she told me about hers. So I assumed the worst of this "surrogate", believing that Hilary would never lie about something like this.
So imagine my horror when I was reading court documents 2 days ago sharing very vivid details of Hilary's involvement in a baby selling ring. She actively was involved in this. She represented the intended parents. She knew that Theresa Erickson was filing paperwork in the CA court system with fake intended parents listed, creating the legal framework of what would be surrogacy. When they really had intended parents, they would change names on documents. They would create contracts as though the surrogacy arrangement was entered into before the pregnancy began. Rumor has it, in some cases, no intended parents existed even at the birth for some of these "surrogates". Hilary was in on all of it. And worse than that, she actively tried to discredit a surrogate who was wrapped in this scheme.
I think as a whole, the surrogacy community is feeling unbelievably duped. We're all in utter disbelief. What's worse-- we knew it was going on all along. We've talked about it amongst ourselves. And yet, we didn't realize the extent of it, even as it happened under our noses. These conversations took place on public message boards, where we all said, "Hey, if Hilary says it's legal, then it must be," and many of us even said, "Hey, to each their own," choosing a position of non-judgment, even if the majority of us would never feel comfortable with going to a foreign country to get pregnant with no IPs in sight.
In a more recent development, a "surrogate" who was instrumental in the FBI's investigation came forward and described in detail her situation. This "surrogate" has also spoken with the media, and has sought other media outlets to tell her story.
Here is where the community is dividing......
Were the "surrogates" victims in this scheme, too?
On one hand, you have a group of women who were convinced by very respectable lawyers in the surrogacy world that this was completely legal. If you look at this at the legally ethical perspective, if you are advised by a lawyer that something is legal, and you are a surrogate who doesn't mind an anonymous arrangement, or business only arrangement, with intended parents, maybe you are also a victim in all of this because you really didn't know what you were doing is wrong.
But if you look at this on the morally ethical perspective, anyone who has ever been apart of a surrogacy community knows there are a handful of cardinal rules: full screening for everyone before getting started, have a contract before you go into an IVF cycle, etc. Basically, always do it by the book. What we had here was a handful of "surrogates" who were not only willing to skip steps, but to intentionally get pregnant with babies that did not have parents, and call it surrogacy. That is not surrogacy. It doesn't even start to be surrogacy. It is....well.... It's baby selling. You intentionally are harvesting babies. Many of these women, I am sure, have been around the surrogacy world long enough to know something was very wrong with this scenario but still went through with it. The knew they were being sent to the Ukraine to get pregnant with parentless babies.
Then again...... they were told that parents were out there, but wouldn't be matched until the pregnancies were into the second trimester.
So the community is divided amongst itself again. We have the heightened emotions of betrayal, coupled with the knowledge that "surrogates" have done this to themselves (and the rest of us), the knowledge that the media is sniffing around to sensationalize the story, and now this rift in the community because on one side of the fence, they believe the "surrogates" should be supported through this, and on the other side of the fence, they're ready to condemn the "surrogates" for betraying the surrogate sisterhood, and surrogacy in general, in such a way.
There is also a backlash of, "Don't let this reflect on surrogacy because it wasn't surrogacy." I get that. I really do. But lets be real here. Legally, on the books, the babies were adopted and the definition of it is adoption. However, we have women who called themselves surrogates the whole time being advised by surrogacy attorneys that this was one way of doing surrogacy, and it was bought, sold, and delivered as though it was surrogacy. The only ones who knew the truth were the ones who were apparently not paying attention to the documents they were signing or the nagging feeling that something wasn't right.
I hope that this doesn't make things worse on surrogacy in general. I read a great blog post saying that this wasn't an issue of regulation, it was an issue of law-breaking. Well, yes, that's true. It reminds me very much of an article I read about how American pharmaceutical companies can legally do their drug testing in third world countries, offering extremely poor people extremely little money to take drugs that kill them or make them sick, and only report the favorable results to the FDA to get their drugs to market. Clearly our FDA is FILLED with regulation, and yet, this happens. In this case, I think I agree that this wasn't an issue of unregulated surrogacy, but an issue of corruption.
But, it does invite an opportunity for lawmakers to say, "Look at those trouble making surrogacies," and make things harder for surrogacy. Honestly, would that be a bad thing? We have people go into surrogacy who, from the outside, seem to clearly be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Then we have amazing people who get turned away for ridiculous things that aren't even important in a pregnancy or surrogacy relationship. There needs to be some sort of standard here. There needs to be some kind of rule that we can fall back on to know what's right and wrong. Even well meaning people can be led astray, and while I generally don't believe that the law should exist to protect us from our own mistakes, maybe in this instance it might be a good idea.
We're not talking about buying cars here, people. We're talking about tiny, helpless babies. We need to know they're being carried by healthy women. We need to know they're going to healthy homes. If it were 10 years ago, I would say that artificial reproductive technology is moving too fast for the law to keep up with, but it's 2011 and surrogacy isn't new anymore. It's become mainstream enough that it is in multiple television shows, books covers of magazines with celebrities, and can be a dinner conversation between family members. It's time we do have legislation so that people like Hilary Neiman and Theresa Erickson can be booked for what they actually did, and not for some generic charge like conspiracy to commit wire fraud.
As for the "surrogates"..... Well, I am no judge. I am not perfect. God knows I've screwed up and wished someone would just listen and support me for all the ugly I can hold inside. My arms are open to the "surrogates" who have been involved in these schemes. No, the world isn't going to understand (and I don't know if I do either), but it is over now, and it is time to move on. You will get no harsh words from me. Emotions are so heightened right now, and you're going to receive judgment from the world over this. Eyes are on you, and I can't imagine how hard that must be. It must feel awful :( I'm sending you all hugs right now.
Regardless of what happened, there are precious little angels out there because of these "surrogates", with parents who get to feel the love and joy of those children created. It does no one any good to pick apart the wounds of the past. I hope that the world moves on, with minimal damage to the community in general. It's sort of like divorcing parents, where one is a complete jerk. Do you call the parent a jerk in front of the kid? No, that will only hurt them. Posting the ugliness that I've been seeing on the internet these last couple of days will eventually hurt these children if they learn the truth of their creation.
Lets instead teach them that their creation could lead to a path of forgiveness and understanding in a community whose sisterhood outshines absolutely any conflict that touches it. Lets rise above this and be the beautiful, strong, and benevolent community that I know we are. And instead of turning on each other, lets remember that we are all in this together, and when one sister falls, we all fall, or we can pick her up and move on, together.
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